Tag Archives: Lies My Heart Tells Me

A Work of Boredom

22 Sunday Jul 2012

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So how about that list, eh?  Pretty successfully executed, in my opinion.  Thank you to anyone who read it and please remember to comment or like a post if you have a chance, since I have no idea who reads this aside from my mother.  (Hi mom!)

Today’s topic is one that I feel is very important, one that is very close to my heart and a struggle that I’ve been dealing with for a long, long time.  For some people it’s a daily problem, and for some it’s nothing at all.  It has a tendency to bring other issues into your life as well, and I’ll explain what I mean about that. I’ve found that it comes at me in waves, seasons perhaps, and that I have to start actively combating it and speaking the Truth into my own life in order to deal with it.  I am talking about, of course, boredom.

Boredom is defined as the state of being weary and restless through lack of interest, which I like to translate into my own definition as being weary and restless through lack of interest in the fulfillment offered through Christ.  That is how I define this problem, and that is the problem that I have recently come to understand really intimately, probably inside out. 

It nearly ruined my birthday.  I went to the beach with a small group from the church I’ve been going to recently, and it included the absolute perfect mixture of people and everyone was super kind and deep inside I felt like God gave me a chance to have a really good birthday just because He loves me.  So I went for a walk on the beach by myself and the entire time I was praying about the coming year and what it would bring, and praying harder than I’ve prayed for myself in a long time that God would give me the ability to tap into the H. Sizzle’s stores of patience because I feel completely dissatisfied with my life.  I’m let down by the dreams I’ve had to kill at the altar, I’m in the process of perusing a career that I love but it exhausts and isolates me because of my beliefs.  I’m tired of the pattern my life has taken, which has been including drinking far more often than is acceptable and representing a sorry version of Christ to non-believers.  All of these things are hitting me while I’m at the beach, on my 25th birthday, getting showered with sun rays and love, and all I wanted to do was drown myself in the big blue or cry. 

I spent the rest of that weekend attempting unsuccessfully to battle the thoughts I was having, which were all about death.  Even during that time I was finding it to be a very silly dialogue I was having with myself, because I would never do a thing to myself.  I really am far too lazy and as much as I can occasionally be a beast that can take scrapes and such, I don’t like pain.  I also think of everyone else a little too hard to do something stupid like OD on drugs.  (Who will find the body?  My roommate?  I would never do that to her!  And who would pay for the hospital bills if I got my stomach pumped?  My parents?  We’re all broke!  And what would I say for myself?  Would I get institutionalized?  Would I have to tell my school?  How strange would it be at the house after my poor roommate was put through this?   Would she kick me out?)  Not an option, not really.  But I still was finding myself drawn into these fantasies, these silly daydreams of finally getting to put myself into a deep, dark eternal sleep that would make a statement to those I left behind.  And I thought to myself, “Never going to happen.  But it’s nice to think that it could.”

Then I thought about that for a moment and said to myself, “What the fuck is wrong with you?”

I define a stronghold as a place that you find safety and security, reassurance and peace.  It is at times a physical place, and at times it’s where your mind flees during times of trial.  I had built myself a stronghold out of the idea of death.  I had started to come to this realization on Sunday night after drinking myself into a proper state, and when I went to bed I told God that something was wrong with me and I finally was beginning to understand how off my perspective was, and I would really need a change on my insides tomorrow. 

Monday morning I felt free.  I felt as though I had been through the ringer the past weekend, but that person who had been suffering so badly wasn’t me.  That had to be someone else. 

All this is from God, who through Christ reconciled us to himself and gave us the ministry of reconciliation;that is, in Christ God was reconciling the world to himself, not counting their trespasses against them, and entrusting to us the message of reconciliation.  (2 Corinthians 5:18-19)

This boredom had driven me to find excitement, satisfaction, and stimulation through things that were not of God.  It was showing me a mirror of my life and a picture of someone else’s and asking me why I wasn’t trying harder to make my life interesting.  It was reassuring me that I wouldn’t be able to handle the buzz of quiet in my head after a long day unless there was a drink to drown it out.  It was attempting to seduce me down a road that led to darkness, and it almost worked.  I can honestly say that it was only the power of Christ that changed my heart in such a way as to feel free of this after a good night’s sleep, because the sleep wasn’t what fixed anything.  I’m still physically tired from my life, still lacking excitement in my day-to-day, still mourning my lost dreams and struggling to find the willpower to deal with the lessons I’ve been getting on humility (apparently it doesn’t come until after one is forced to deal with humiliation).  But I can see why I went through this, and how Christ has given me a way to repurpose my boredom.  There is so much emphasis in this life put on making every moment exciting and different that it becomes expected to have exciting and different moments all the time.  But the bible doesn’t say that we will get exciting and different moments every moment of our lives!  It says that when we offer our lives as to Christ in order to relay the message of reconciliation to others we receive the eternal reward of being reconciled with God.  It also says that all things are from God, which means that this boredom that I have to combat with a heart of thanksgiving and humility is in my life because God has put it there in order to bring me closer to Him. 

For it is all for your sake, so that as grace extends to more and more people it may increase thanksgiving, to the glory of God.  So we do not lose heart. Though our outer self is wasting away, our inner self is being renewed day by day.  For this light momentary affliction is preparing for us an eternal weight of glory beyond all comparison…(2 Corinthians 4:15-17)

The rest of my days will not be spent being bored, I can assure you of that.  At some point I will not be able to handle all of the excitement and I’ll get to explain all of that somehow.  But right now, I will not let my boredom-suffering-season throw me completely off the path towards Christ.  Every moment may not be filled with excitement and unique differences from every other moment in my life, but they will be filled with the love of a God that is never-ending, a hope that is steadfast and secure, and joy for a life that belongs to Christ. 

Procrastination Station!

11 Saturday Feb 2012

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I am procrastinating very well these days, thank you for asking. I seem to go through swings of being above everything in my room and absolutely unafraid of barreling forward and throwing things away! Packing things! Folding laundry! Cleaning! And then I swing back down low and cower at my desk or on my bed because I don’t want to touch anything. Ever. Again. I have found some pretty cool ways to not do anything productive though, including reading the bible, procrastinating writing on my blog, writing recipes on index cards, looking through magazines for recipes, scrolling through tumblr, playing with my hair and make-up, wearing interesting (that means a little more effort goes into them) outfits, drinking, watching Gossip Girl, watching Veronica Mars, learning how to do a Rubik’s Cube, making bracelets, and playing my guitar.

I’m not sure why I’m being so lazy, but I do know that it’s become a classic Tina Fey move of turning good news into anxiety. I look at everything I have to do and start to think about why I have to do it and start to think about what my life will be in less than a month and I start feeling that clutching claw of stress on my chest and I stop thinking about folding my laundry to make it go away.

In order to do something “productive” I decided to start reading what we’ll be diving into at church, Colossians. I read chapter one while I couldn’t sleep, because with anxiety comes insomnia, and a certain passage really caught my attention.

He is the image of the invisible God, the firstborn of all creation. For by him all things were created, in heaven and on earth, visible and invisible, whether thrones or dominions or rulers or authorities–all things were created through him and for him. And he is before all things, and in him all things hold together. – Colossians 1:15-17

I was so tired and I was so sad and I was so overwhelmed and I felt every part of the emotions that would give me the confirmation that I cannot do this, I cannot get my shit together and I cannot even pretend to be a grown up and I cannot wake up early and I cannot go to school and I cannot do this. And I read this, and that in him all things hold together. And I took a breath, and I bent my will and I gave up trying to do everything I cannot. I told God the truth, that if HE doesn’t hold me together I will fall apart, and that I need HIM to be holding me together now, and that now will continue for the rest of my life.

I don’t WANT to be a hypocrite.

31 Tuesday Jan 2012

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I was preparing to sit down and write about maturity but I couldn’t figure out what I would say because I have a log in my eye that’s making it hard to focus.
Since I have some time before I start school I have decided to use as much of it as possible to focus on God.  I told God about this, and he seems to think it’s a good idea.  I even told him that if there are things I need to work on in my heart that we should do that, really dig deep.
And now I think that may have been stupid.  I only say this because it’s not even february and I’ve found myself getting flipped upside down.  Parts of me are getting exposed that I didn’t even know existed!  And it’s embarrassing!  When I pray for the Holy Spirit to dig up things for some reason I assume it will take some time, like the crevice that my issues are stuck is really tight and the H. Sizzle needs to get WD 40 to loosen it up.  But no, the H. Sizzle is like hydrogen peroxide.  It gets right in there and things start fizzing and I get confused because I can’t tell where the sounds are coming from.  So now I’ve found myself in a new space that is clear and contained, where God is bringing things that have been dwelling deep in my heart to the surface.  The deep-heart-dwellers that I’ve been harboring, turning to, and believing.

  • That was my last chance, I will be alone forever.
  • People don’t really care about me.  They forget me or get sick of me.
  • This is going to be too hard, I have to give up too much and I won’t be happy.

 

Naked and ashamed.  I’m absolutely ashamed to see what I’ve allowed to take anchor in my heart.  Because it’s unbelief.  And it’s been here so long I didn’t realize it was there.  But now it’s come to the surface, and it’s ugly in the light.  These things are the parts of me that don’t feel that God is enough.  Giving myself over to his will has nothing to do with my feelings and everything to do with choice.  I will choose to believe it’s better.  Better than my feelings are trying to tell me it will be.  Better than what I can expect.  Better than the lies.
Me thinks the best way for me to battle these deep-heart-dwellers, to gut them, to erase them from the walls of my heart, is to remember the truth.  To equip myself each day, preaching the gospel to my own heart in the morning.  It’s important to use the word as the weapon that it is, to strike at the root of the problem with the strength of the living God who can do anything.

  • Alone or not, what I have is the best for me in this moment – “For the LORD God is a sun and shield; the LORD bestows favor and honor. No good thing does he withhold from those who walk uprightly.” Psalm 84:11
  • My community does not define my character or worth, and the time I spend thinking about other people’s thoughts about me, or thinking in judgmental ways about other people… It’s a misuse of time I could spend with God – “As long as it is day, we must do the work of him who sent me.  Night is coming, when no one can work.” John 9:4
  • I have no reason to worry. – “But seek first the kingdom of God and his righteousness, and all these things will be added to you.  Therefore do not be anxious about tomorrow, for tomorrow will be anxious for itself. Sufficient for the day is its own trouble.” Matthew 6:33&34

Lies My Heart Tells Me: That’s SO Embarassing…

30 Saturday Jul 2011

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I was talking to my sister the other day about something, and during the conversation I was making a point about centering things on Christ and happened to say it like this:

“… should be centered on the one and only Jesus Christ Almighty.”

I guess that this isn’t something that usually is said, not without being an expletive.  So her response was to laugh.  And mine was to get confused.  All of a sudden I was very aware of what I had said, and she reassured me that it wasn’t a big deal it was just funny to her, but I felt on the verge of embarrassment!  And then I was ashamed of myself.

Now, I was raised in the church.  So was my sister.  We are not entirely unaccustomed to hearing talk about God, or people using his name.  We aren’t shocked by true worship, crazy prayers, or convicting sermons.  But it’s been a while since she has heard me so entirely passionate about our creator, considering I had decided that he and I were fighting a while back.  I don’t know if I’ve ever experienced the kind of love, gratitude, and submissive sacrifice that is in my relationship with God before, and since she’s known me my entire life I don’t think she has either.  In fact, it may have freaked her out a little bit to have a conversation with me for the first time in weeks and hear me talking the way I was… I know I would have been a little weirded out.  It’s strange to find that someone has changed after having known them for so long, even if it’s a positive change, because it feels like we don’t know them anymore. 

I wouldn’t let myself feel embarrassed though.  I wouldn’t accept that I should be ashamed or self-conscious of what I’d said.  Here are my reasons we should fight the embarrassment:

That Enemy Strikes Again!

In my strategic mind I do recall that the time when Satan is going to try to lead us away from God is generally when we are trying to follow him.  He’s a shady guy, and he would like nothing more than to take things away from God, like those who are trying so very hard to follow him with all of their heart.  And while his forms of attack are generally personalized, they can be categorized:

“The thief comes only to steal and kill and destroy; I have come that they may have life, and have it to the full.”  – John 10:10

This description of the shenanigans the devil will be pulling is straight from Jesus.  He warns his children against the dangers of being unable to discern what is the living truth and what is a lie of death earlier in the book of John as well while rebuking those that are unable to accept and understand what has been proven real to them.

“You belong to your father, the devil, and you want to carry out your father’s desire.  He was a murderer from the beginning, not holding to the truth, for there is no truth in him.  When he lies, he speaks his native language, for he is a liar and the father of lies.”  – John 8:44

Satan, being a jerk-wad, will always find a lie that will speak to the darkness of our hearts and tempt us away from the straight and narrow, which should now be referred to as Route 78.  That’s why it’s so important to press into God all the more, taking our self-consciousness and placing it at the feet of Christ, asking him to give us a God-consciousness or Spirit-consciousness, or whatever it is that’ll turn our minds to what is more important.

Remember The Suffering?  I Do.

Suffering, undergoing something that brings pain or a weight to bear, is not only entirely possible but promised to us as followers of Christ.  Embarrassment, while entirely subjective, can be loosely placed under suffering if it brings you some sort of burden.  And is that something to fear or be apprehensive of?  No. 

Christ himself went through so many experiences that could be described by a lesser being as embarrassing, from the way his family and friends treated him to the looks he got on the street to the way that he was put to death.  As followers of him we are subjected to such a smaller amount of pain, especially considering how he intercedes for us.  His desire is to keep us connected to the Father and to bring him glory, not to take us out of the pain and suffering we will experience.  And while we are suffering and continue to push ourselves to pray, worship and read the word we find that our relationship with God becomes stronger.  So of course we’ll suffer more, of course we will see ourselves from the world’s point of view as crazy and radical; the devil wants our perspective to be skewed so that we don’t see our suffering as something that leads to maturity but as something we don’t want to go through. 

Promises, Promises!

The best reason to forget embarrassment is to be found in a promise.  Now, God promises things on himself so that they are to become like the nature of himself.

“Because God wanted to make the unchanging nature of his promises very clear to the heirs of what was promised, he confirmed it with an oath.  god did this so that, by two unchangeable things in which it is impossible for God to lie, we who have fled to take hold of the hope offered us may be greatly encouraged.”  – Hebrews 6:17

So woo hoo for us!  God’s promises are as solid as he is!  Now read this one:

“Do not be afraid; you will not suffer shame.  Do not fear disgrace; you will not be humiliated.  You will forget the shame of your youth and remember no more the reproach of your widowhood.  For your Maker is your husband-the Lord Almighty is his name-the Holy One of Israel is your Redeemer; he is called the God of all the earth.”  – Isaiah 54:4&5

This is from the old testament when God was talking to Israel about how much of a whore it was, turning to idols and sinning like it was the latest fashion.  What is cool is that the promises from the old testament have been fulfilled through Christ for his people, and what is believing that someone else’s opinion of us is more important than God’s but an idol?  That means that when we get to the judgment throne our shame and embarrassment, be it for one sin or another, will have been cleansed by the blood of our Redeemer. 
What I find is that embarrassment and shame, though sometimes completely understandable, can be a choice.  I chose not to be embarrassed when my sister laughed.  I chose not to be embarrassed when I tell people I am a Christian.  Even though I am ashamed of my sins to the point where I wish I could hide them, I don’t let them embarrass me either.  The opinions of my fellow humans and my fellow believers mean so much less to me than the opinion of my Father in heaven, and he will not bring me to shame and embarrassment but to a deeper relationship with him so long as I give everything that comes at me in his able hands.

Lies My Heart Tells Me

25 Monday Apr 2011

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When I consider how few people actually read this mess of thoughts it becomes a proper difficulty not to post more rants, raves and complaints.  But my mission with this project twofold: positivity (and I hope that my posts generally end with encouragement for myself and the reader) and honesty (which is something I’m still trying to exercise on a regular basis, not just with other people, but with myself).  But after having gone for quite a few years as a deceitful cynic there are times when my heart and mind relapse into more pessimistic thoughts, usually the kind that lie about things I already know to be true.  So, I’m starting this little “series” for reasons threefold.  For one, I haven’t been writing and that makes my mind a mess, so maybe if I have a series I’ll get back to it and start thinking clearly.  For two, Jeremiah 17:9 says that the heart is deceitful above all things and beyond cure, and I can vouch for that.  For three, by reminding myself of these things through my writing maybe a few other people will be encouraged.  So here I go, and feel free to leave any kind of comments and what not as the series progresses.

Lie of the Heart #1: God can be trusted in all things that do not pertain directly to my life.

I have realized that I do not trust God.  I do not trust others.  I am not always walking in faith these days, I don’t even accept love on a regular basis because I am afraid of it, which means I’m not trusting God to take care of my heart in all situations.  I am such a hypocrite.  I do not say this because of a self-image problem, I say this because of moments of clarity.  Conversations with Tink and Mama Bear always seem to reassure me that yes, my walls of logic are still very much surrounding my little heart, and no, I am not willing to connect with my true feelings or emotions on any subject any time soon.  Of course this leads to revelations of how my heart is working that make me want to stab myself in the eye because I don’t know how things got so far out of hand. 
The other night I was unable to stop itching, I had run out of antihistamine and was ravaged with hives.  I had just spent the evening at a worship night and was feeling sleepy and ok but still itchy, so I went to my bedside table to grab a Benadryl and 1/4 of a sleeping pill so I could fall asleep quickly.  While I was doing this I felt the question only God would even know to ask:
“Don’t you trust me to give you sleep?”
My answer was automatic and tragically, refreshingly honest.
“No, I don’t.”
I took the meds.  I went to bed.  It took me a while to fall asleep, and I woke up a few times in the night scratching.  I woke up in the morning realizing that yet again my mind had managed to put God into a box, giving him outlines and creating stipulations to how he works.  It’s completely retarded, letting my silly human brain decide how big and how wonderous God can be, considering I will never know how truly majestic and glorious he is until the day we meet.

Truth #1) God has already proven that he works in my life on a regular basis when it comes to the physical level.  If God couldn’t be trusted to work in my life on a personal and intimate level, I’d still live in Maine.  I wouldn’t have gotten that monday off a few weeks ago, or have any friends.  I wouldn’t have a job, and I wouldn’t see my prayers for others answered.  God hasn’t left me stranded since I started trying to walk on his path, the same way he took care of Elijah in 1 Kings by listening to his prayers about rain, giving him a place to hide and birds to bring him food (which is so definitely a miracle because let’s face it, what normal bird will give a human their bread during a drought?) and then had a widow ready to take him in and take care of him, then heal a dead boy for him.  The Lord does not have to be so far away, working miracles in other people’s lives and in the world, he has been right here with me and working in my life so often that I’ve failed to continue recognizing it. 

Truth #2) There have been changes in my heart that can only happen by the personal interference of a Holy Creator.  God has been using his gentle potter’s fingers to mold me, showing me the reserves of grace and patience I have, wonderful dreams and their fulfillment, granting me the amazing and supernatural peace that is only received when one pours their heart out to him.  He’s even been gently showing me the lies, rules, and judgments my heart has been using to put God in a box, exposing the fears I have been pushing to the back of my closet, and showing me that dealing with them won’t result in pain, but in beauty and truth.

Surely you desire truth in the inner parts; you teach me wisdom in the inmost place.  – Psalm 51:6

Truth #3) Maybe it’s the Easter sunday talking, but Christ died for all of us and he died for each of us.  That means that while he did take an action that redeemed us all, it doesn’t make what he went through any less personal for each of us.  That means that by his stripes I am healed.  That he was taunted and persecuted and didn’t stand up for himself for my benefit.  That he found my weak and sinful heart to be worth going through so much trauma that Mel Gibson would make a traumatic movie about it.  He has given us, given me a chance to live through his death.  If that’s not the work of God in my personal life I don’t know what is.

Action Plan!

I think that the best bet in countering this attack of doubt is to continually push myself to do what my human nature and the sin of my heart is trying to get myself away from: dive into the Word, give praise and thanksgiving, count my blessings and remind myself of what God has done for me, to continue the dialogue that our relationship needs. 
With the changes of the season seems to come a sense of other changes, and I am finding myself overwhelmed and unprepared for the battle I’ve already joined. 

For our struggle is not against flesh and blood, but against the rulers, against the authorities, against the powers of this dark world and against the spiritual forces of evil in the heavenly realms.  Therefore put on the full armor of God, so that when the day of evil comes, you may be able to stand your ground, and after you have done everything, to stand.  – Ephesians 6:12&13

I have a feeling that my trust issues aren’t going to be disappearing quickly, and that I will continue to make choices about my life keeping them in mind only to kick myself for being so blatantly un-trusting.  But I also will continue to push myself towards the simple and desperately needed practices that I fall out of so often, so that by knowing God’s character as his word and my life reveals it to be I can stop listening to the lie that he is only so big, only so good, only so incredible.  Because he’s so much more, and I am excited to find out how wrong I’ve been.