Category Archives: Human Interest

Wait for it, wait for iiiiihhhhhhttttttt…..

13 Monday Aug 2012

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I got a word from God during the first month I moved to the state I am living in. He told me to wait. That’s it. He said “Wait for him.” I decided after a few months that I had waited and now I was done. I got involved with someone, promptly lost my head, bruised our hearts and ruined a friendship. I was disobedient, and have learned a lot in the process about humility and forgiveness. After that calamity ended I found myself thrown into a season of change that left me no room for even thinking about relationships, which has been a blessing.

Recently I started feeling the impatience trying to sneak back in. It feels like the emotional version of when a person has physical nervous tension, always fidgeting, unable to be still. I prayed about it, vacillating between requesting patience and begging for satisfaction. Somehow I managed to keep my mind from running too far ahead of me, but I still couldn’t get it to sit still on the matter. And, of course, there were the dreams.

I had 3 dreams about specific situations. I had 2 a while back, and I couldn’t understand what they meant. I got royally unsure of their meaning, thought my heart was running around while I was asleep and making up plans that would never really happen but would lead me to a great deal of disappointment. I hated having these dreams. I listened to people I trust and processed a fair amount about the way God gives dreams and reasons or meanings behind them. I thoroughly believed that my mind was out of control, processing things behind my back, and unsure of where God was in all of this.

I also, every once in a while, prayed God would give me another dream so that I could see how the story played out.

One day, my first dream became a bit more real. It wasn’t exact, the details were hard to remember from the dreams themselves, but the correlation of the event, people, emotions, and everything was absolutely uncanny. Did I realize that at the time? Yes and no. I still was in a veiled state. Then, the second dream became a bit more real. Again, a large amount of correlation was there. I started to get nervous about the meaning of all this, at the time I couldn’t see the way things were lining up and I didn’t feel secure or stable at all emotionally when it came to the situation. I prayed hard for peace about it and for the people involved.

Last week I had the 3rd dream and the very next day the dam of understanding broke. During a conversation I accidentally processed things and realized I understood what I had understood in the dream. The message of the dreams, the reason I had them and the reason they have been unfolding in a very real way is for God to reiterate his point.

“Wait. Wait for me to show you what I want to show you. Wait for me to walk you through the situation I’ve prepared you for, wait for me to give you understanding of these things. Now that I’ve shown you some of the story, now that you see what I have as a plan unfolding and specifically designed for this part of your life, wait. Be patient. Guard your heart and do what I tell you.”

While I have been able to process these things, the 3rd dream still hasn’t played out yet completely. But I have an overwhelming peace about it happening, or not. If it does play out, I feel prepared, if it doesn’t I still will be able to wait.

Why is this something I feel ok posting about? Because this process of waiting on God is difficult, and it’s tiresome, and I get bored and I think I know better… But I don’t. And God knows how to give me just enough to remain faithful, and just enough to continue following the plans He has for me. And because I want these things to encourage those of you who may feel that God doesn’t speak to them, or doesn’t give them any sort of understanding about the future. Sometimes he speaks to us in strange ways; this is the first time I’ve been able to hear him loud and clear through a dream. Usually it’s different. But my point is that no matter what situation you are in and no matter what you think you know, you have no idea. There is a really powerful God up there that can speak to you in ways you can’t imagine. Just request it, and wait for it.

Slap me thrice and hand me to me mum.

02 Thursday Aug 2012

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I have been struggling with a verse the past few days.

For where your treasure is, there your heart will be also. (Matt 6:21)

The verse is explicit. What I value, what I think is important, has the attention of my mind and takes up room in my heart. I’ve always considered myself off the hook with this verse, because I’m an idiot, but I realized while watching Pirates of the Caribbean At World’s End that much like the pirates I am not plagued by a treasure I already possess. My heart is pirate, which may have to do with my lineage and delusions, but that doesn’t change the fact that its desire is for something I don’t have but want. It believes that if I could only have this, things in my life would change. Life would get better; I’d be happier and fulfilled. In my own swashbuckling life I keep one thing in my heart as the ultimate desire, my personal Aztec gold. Once it’s mine the life I want will begin.
But the problem is that my treasure is not Jesus. Jesus acts as a crewmember in this area, another aid to get me to my goal. I have assigned my God to an assisting role in my story, without any consideration for how he might feel on the matter.
How embarrassing! Every day I continue to find more areas of my heart that are festering with sin. It’s annoying, especially when you start the day out thinking that you have your priorities in order. It’s not a new thing, finding idolatry stowing away in my heart like a rat with the black plague trying to wipe out all the work the H Sizzle has been doing in me.
I have found that this is God’s way, bringing to light my weaknesses so I can become more aware of my own shortcomings and know what to pray about. I don’t feel comfortable being like this. I feel like a jerk for being so insolent. I didn’t realize such a mutiny was at hand.
There is good news though. Apparently, for reasons I cannot fathom myself, Christ loves me. And he already knew all of this. He knows the deepest desires of my heart, and he is ready to be more satisfying that they are. And while I’m praying to want him more and my treasure less, the desires I’ve uncovered don’t seem to be going anywhere. But my desire for Him is growing.

The Belief System of 25-year-old Me (Part 5)

21 Saturday Jul 2012

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  1. When our perspective is skewed we become more and more self-centered.  Whenever I let myself be a priority I end up unhappy.  I can never feel loved enough, never see my direction, never feel desired, supported, filled in the ways that I need to badly when all I can think of is how badly I need these things to fill up the big hole in my chest that is in all actuality filled with the H. Sizzle.  God made us for specific reasons and gave us a deposit as a guarantee of what is to come (2 Corinthians 5:5).  When I think of life in this way, removing my veil of selfishness, I see not only the things that I should be actively living out but also the blessings that are being poured into my life.
  2. Having a childlike spirit can be a blessing and a curse.  You can develop maturity while having one, because it’s not about immaturity, it’s about dependence on God.  But sometimes it’s a really good excuse to act like a child to the Father, ornery and rebellious and throwing temper tantrums over how that’s not FAIR!  It also has a really interesting effect on memory, in that you can absolutely forget what you learned about Christ and his character after about a month and relearn it to your own embarrassment and his glory. 
  3. There is no fear in love.  Even if its awkward at first, even if I don’t know what to say, I’d rather fail at love than let pride get in the way.
  4. Poetry is the verbal illustration of a postcard that you have captured or created in your mind and want to reveal to others.
  5. Being 25 years old doesn’t feel different.  Hindsight, though, does reveal the changes and seasons that have passed and stayed, the differences in my character that I am unable to witness.  And the best part is that God has done incredible things, and worst part is that in order to do so I am going to have to break apart over and over.  Then the other best part is that it’s worth every crack and splinter.  He doesn’t withhold his love, not even when I don’t deserve it.  That’s my Jesus, always the best thing ever.

The Belief System of 25-year-old Me (part 4)

20 Friday Jul 2012

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  1. The supreme happiness in life is the conviction that we are loved.  That is a quote from Victor Hugo’s Les Misérables.  It’s true.  And one of the most amazing things in life is that no matter who on earth loves me or hates me or thinks I’m nice or thinks I’m an idiot, and irregardless as to whether or not they are correct, God loves me.  He sent is son to die in my place so that I can spend eternity with Him.  I should be happy all the time.  But let’s face it, I’m not.  Mostly that is because…
  2. Being on earth sucks in comparison to what heaven will be like. 
  3. When the H. Sizzle is telling you something you should listen.  Sometimes you get a kick in the face.  Sometimes you get a gut reaction to something.  Sometimes things rub you the wrong way.  Sometimes you look at someone and feel things for them you can’t explain.  There are many ways the Spirit speaks, and we need to figure out how we hear it.
  4. Being a Christian is not generally highly entertaining.  It’s discipline.  It’s work.  It’s hard sometimes because it is BORING.  But pressing on, pushing through, forging across the river of depression, angst and boredom to reach the land of lighter feet is a form of suffering that is all its own.  It is perseverance in a way that not everyone experiences.  And it makes a point…
  5. Some things, the better things, are worth investing in.  Time, money, grey matter, so many things in our lives can be invested in so many ways.  What you invest in is what you value.  What you value reflects where your heart is.

The Belief System of 25-Year-Old Me (part 3)

15 Sunday Jul 2012

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  1. Pain produces more pain.  In this world the reaction to being hurt, the reaction to feeling slighted, insignificant, tormented, stupid, ugly, and broken is to become angry and to take it out on someone else.  Sometimes the someone else is the person that hurt you, sometimes they had nothing to do with it.  This is necessary to keep in mind when you experience pain in any way, shape or form.  As christians we are not called to do this.  We are called to be humble and to bear the burdens of others in our prayer lives. 
  2. Sometimes it’s necessary to be sad.  One of my favorite quotes says as much:  ” Before we can see properly we must first shed our tears to clear the way.”  There are times that I forget as much.  And there are times that I can’t do anything but cry because I’m so very lost.
  3. Superficial conversations are for cowards that are not brave enough to genuinely connect and know other people because they are afraid of being known and being found wanting.
  4. No good deed goes unpunished.  That one is courtesy of my dad.  It’s the truth. 
  5. There is a time and a place for everything.  Things seem wrong in one light and perfect in another.  A song sucks until you are able to fully understand what it means.  A friendship is forced until a certain season creates a bond.  An attraction is a whisper until a look, a conversation, a moment turns another person into the background music of your life.