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Dirty Sean

Tag Archives: Personal Update

Why I Like Travelling, or How To Make A Positive Out Of A Stressful Situation

24 Friday Feb 2012

Posted by Meagan Sean in Dirty's Reports

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Dirty's Report, Human Interest, Memo, My Philosophy, Personal Update, True Life

I don’t know if I’ve ever mentioned this before in multiple places on my blog (that no one reads or else they’d all comment, obviously), but I love travelling and I love travelling alone.  I find few others who enjoy it the same way that I do, most people enjoy travelling with others and a some enjoy travelling alone but I can never figure out why they do because it’s usually a convoluted, modern, flakey-gypsy girl reason.  “I enjoy getting to visit places I’ve never been to and see what the earth is made of in a new perspective” or “I get to watch people and pretend that I’m someone else, it feels so glamorous” usually end up in the explanations as to why travelling alone is so much fun.  I, on the other hand, have entirely different reasons that seem to be particularly true only to me.

  1. I take public transportation a lot, and in order to do so successfully I must be at certain places on time in order to get on certain things, like the bus or the train.  And that journey in and of itself is an adventure!  No matter how early I am to get on the vehicle I am always convinced that I am late, therefore adding a strong dose of anxiety to my stride and a strange reaction to anything and everyone I cross paths with.  Strangers must think I’m crazy because my reactions to anyone within 3 feet of me is a strange surprise and twitch.  Inevitably I am on time, although the times I’ve been late have usually been the days that I feel overly confident that I will be on time and have to run to the station, thereby reinstating the fact that I’m out of shape.  Every time I curse myself for not always having a liter of water on hand.
  2. I like trains and airplanes for two reasons: I can’t react strongly to the traffic around me like in a car while freaking out about how fast we’re going or if we’re  going to be late.  Also, I am able to read.  I get carsick reading in the car or on the bus, but on the train or the plane I finish entire book series!  It’s excellent.
  3.  The reason I’m able to read, aside from not dealing with nausea, is because for some reason trains and planes put me into a super subdued version of stress.  For some reason it’s incredibly relaxing to me.  I pick a seat or get a seat assigned, I sit in it, and that is where I will stay for the rest of my life.  I will crumble into a corpse in this spot and so I will make the best of the spot that it is.  I will curl up or stretch out, I will kink my neck inevitably from reading hunched over, I will designate spots for my drinks and keep my phone on vibrate under one thigh.  And I will never, ever nap.  Because I can’t nap.  But that’s another story.
  4. I talk to strangers like it’s my job EXCEPT when I’m travelling.  And I like it like that.  I might have a 20 minute conversation with one person while travelling all day.  This is Me Time, honestly.  It’s when I get to read because I finally have no excuse not to.  It’s when I get to think about what I want to write, people in my life, God, things that are sad, things that are happy, things that I will experience and things I have experienced, prices of things in different states, and the like.  I also get to pray, and sometimes write, and of course I usually write poetry when travelling because anything else would be pretentious.
  5. I like to wear and pack my favorite clothes for trips.  I will choose the style I want to be perceived as having, make sure all those clothes are clean days in advance, and then become that person for however long the trip is.  I don’t expect people to think I’m cooler, for people to look at me and think “What a cool little bohemian-gypsy-girl with hips that won’t quit!”  I literally only do it for me, because when I feel like I’m a cool little bohemian-gypsy- girl with hips that won’t quit I feel confident and secure.  Even if I look like a lunatic with my henley-layered, sweater-topped, dirty hair and smokey-eyed ensemble at 9:30 am I still FEEL like a weathered, jaded traveler who is so used to this that she just wants to enjoy a novel during the ride.
  6. I also like the food situations that I find myself in.  When I’m able to prepare a snack or lunch before hand, I find that it’s a great way to save money and be bored to death while looking like a genius for not paying $7 for a fast food sandwich.  But usually I end up forgetting and getting really thirsty and a little hungry, so I stop and get a snack.  This usually makes me feel like a 5-year-old because I want things I like, and also like an adult because I make myself get something healthy and pay for it myself.  For instance, I will make sure I get a protein bar because it’s “good for me” and a bottle of water, but I will make sure to grab junior mints or m&m’s too because I want to snack on something while I read.  I even go through the emotions of both ages, simultaneously wanting a treat so bad but not being able to decide which one and forcing myself to grab something with sustenance while being disgusted at the pricing of everything I just purchased.
  7. I think the only unfortunate part is that I do end up feeling exhausted by the time I get to the place I’m going, but I’m consistently amazed at finding out how long a day can go when I spend “sooooo much time” getting from point A to point B and still having the entire rest of the afternoon/evening to do things like fight with my parents, call the doctor, and make dinner.  And don’t get me started on going into different time zones, which I like to refer to as Travelling Through Time.  Not time travelling, that’s just a science fiction concept.  I’m definitely the asshole who tries to call other people when I’m two hours ahead of them and tell them the future.  Because in the future, I’m having dinner in a few hours but you’re going to have to wait like all day.

Procrastination Station!

11 Saturday Feb 2012

Posted by Meagan Sean in Dirty Little..., Dirty's Reports

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Human Interest, Lies My Heart Tells Me, Nugget 'O Truth, Personal Update

I am procrastinating very well these days, thank you for asking. I seem to go through swings of being above everything in my room and absolutely unafraid of barreling forward and throwing things away! Packing things! Folding laundry! Cleaning! And then I swing back down low and cower at my desk or on my bed because I don’t want to touch anything. Ever. Again. I have found some pretty cool ways to not do anything productive though, including reading the bible, procrastinating writing on my blog, writing recipes on index cards, looking through magazines for recipes, scrolling through tumblr, playing with my hair and make-up, wearing interesting (that means a little more effort goes into them) outfits, drinking, watching Gossip Girl, watching Veronica Mars, learning how to do a Rubik’s Cube, making bracelets, and playing my guitar.

I’m not sure why I’m being so lazy, but I do know that it’s become a classic Tina Fey move of turning good news into anxiety. I look at everything I have to do and start to think about why I have to do it and start to think about what my life will be in less than a month and I start feeling that clutching claw of stress on my chest and I stop thinking about folding my laundry to make it go away.

In order to do something “productive” I decided to start reading what we’ll be diving into at church, Colossians. I read chapter one while I couldn’t sleep, because with anxiety comes insomnia, and a certain passage really caught my attention.

He is the image of the invisible God, the firstborn of all creation. For by him all things were created, in heaven and on earth, visible and invisible, whether thrones or dominions or rulers or authorities–all things were created through him and for him. And he is before all things, and in him all things hold together. – Colossians 1:15-17

I was so tired and I was so sad and I was so overwhelmed and I felt every part of the emotions that would give me the confirmation that I cannot do this, I cannot get my shit together and I cannot even pretend to be a grown up and I cannot wake up early and I cannot go to school and I cannot do this. And I read this, and that in him all things hold together. And I took a breath, and I bent my will and I gave up trying to do everything I cannot. I told God the truth, that if HE doesn’t hold me together I will fall apart, and that I need HIM to be holding me together now, and that now will continue for the rest of my life.

Plans Plans Plans.

19 Thursday Jan 2012

Posted by Meagan Sean in Dirty's Reports

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Personal Update

I have discovered that Riteaid is one of the most depressing places in the world and that for some reason their lack of pricing make-up products will make me buy them. There’s no reason to spend my money on make-up but I did. Do I feel that now, finally, after having acquired the perfect colors and products, after having spent far too much time applying and blending, smoothing and powdering, that now I am beautiful? No. I feel just as empty and ugly as I did before hand.
I have been having incredible writer’s block. The only things I can think about are the things that I shouldn’t bother writing about because they are unedifying even to me. That’s pretty bad! My choice to push myself to write something substantial reminds me of the cold hard truth.

The heart is deceitful above all things & beyond cure.
Who can understand it? – Jeremiah 17:9

Just because I’m saved and cleansed in the sight of God through the blood of Jesus Christ doesn’t mean I’m perfect. It means that there has been a good work begun in me, one that will last for the rest of eternity.
I’ve been feeling anger and bitterness a lot lately. I’ve been unable to do much that is productive. I’ve been trying to wait on the Lord and I’ve been hearing so much noise about how things need to be done immediately that I get frustrated and properly pissed off. And all I have been wanting to do is wait on the Lord. But even when I have the opportunity I find ways to fill my time with vanity.

but those who hope in the LORD
will renew their strength.
They will soar on wings like eagles;
they will run and not grow weary,
they will walk and not be faint. – Isaiah 40:31

So I’m going to be proactive and change this pattern. I’m going to push until I break. I’m going to start trying to live the life I’ve been wishing I have. And this is something I need to do before I move and start school in a little over a month. I want to be certain that I know where to stand and how to act and react before I’m put into another mission field. I’m not prepared as I am today to go, and the time that I’ve been given to spend with God right now is a gift. It’s going to be such a learning experience in so many ways. It’s a new season.

I’m also going to try to get some more blogging accomplished, as well as getting my testimony pulled together.  It’ll be a power point presentation. 

2012 Goals

04 Wednesday Jan 2012

Posted by Meagan Sean in Dirty's Reports, Holidays

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Personal Update

Here is what I think about New Years resolutions.  They’re not important, not alone anyway.  Goals!  They are what resolutions help you to complete!  Without the resolution to achieve a goal there is nothing to get you going!  So I’ve been compiling some goals I’d like to achieve this year, and I won’t get too far into them at this point but it’s good to put them somewhere aside from my graphing notebook.  (best thing ever to have with you for doodling.  There’s so many little squares!)

  1. Stop the Cycles.  I’ve found that my life is moving towards a stagnation state, and the reason is mostly because of the stupid cycles that I continue to let myself run in.  I see them everywhere, in my bad habits, my friendships, my non-existent love life, my work, my lack of blogging.  I like blogging ya’ll!  So I’m going to take a little time to pin point the really bad cycles, the ones that are keeping me from getting more out of life, and try to find the root issues and handle them.  I want to set a better example to those who are younger than me spiritually and literally, and I don’t want myself to get in the way of being seen as someone who adults can trust.
  2. Start a Group/Lead?  “As long as it is day, we must do the work of him who sent me. Night is coming, when no one can work.”  – John 9:4
    This is something that’s been on my mind for a long while, and I haven’t figured out how to do it yet but I’ve been talking with some important-to-talk-to people about it and getting some encouraging feed back.
  3. Get a Clearer Map for Life.  This one is going to require a lot of the painful and desperate prayer that I have not always been known for.  But I want to know God’s directions, I want to know where He wants me to be and I’m determined to put myself in a place where He can pick me up and move me without me fighting back.
  4. Learn about Self-Discipline.  This one is going to be really hard.  That’s all I have to say.
  5. Show Grace.  “For the grace of God that brings salvation has appeared to all men. It teaches us to say “No” to ungodliness and worldly passions, and to live self-controlled, upright and godly lives in this present age, while we wait for the blessed hope—the glorious appearing of our great God and Savior, Jesus Christ, who gave himself for us to redeem us from all wickedness and to purify for himself a people who are his very own, eager to do what is good. These, then, are the things you should teach. Encourage and rebuke with all authority. Do not let anyone despise you.”  – Titus 2:11-15

Everything will take some time, and steps will be taken before leaps and bounds.  I’m going to have to get into the Word like it’s my job and pray continually, and learn the true meaning of crucifying the flesh (not literally).  But I want to be able to look back on this year and see that I did start to really dedicate my life to God’s work.  I want to see that I set my dreams and myself aside.  I am not sure what that will look like, but I’m willing to find out.

Merry Christmas

25 Sunday Dec 2011

Posted by Meagan Sean in Dirty's Reports, Holidays

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Tags

Personal Update

I am not happy with myself today.
I’ve been given so much in the past year, but because of all of the hard things, the difficulties and the painful experiences, my automatic reaction is the same as this person’s: I wish I could forget it all happened.
It’s time to begin a new season in my life, I’m so sure about it that I’m practically deodorant, but it’s scary to think of how opening myself up to God’s plans might take me farther from home, or away from my community, or back to my parent’s house, or into poverty, or into vulnerability.  There’s a big plan out there with my name on it that I’m going to try to accept, because God has written it out for me and has given me promises that cover every angle– Yes, it will hurt sometimes.  As a human it’s impossible to escape pain, as a Christian it’s impossible to escape persecution.  No, there is no promise that I will get exactly what I want out of my life.  His thoughts are higher and his plans are greater than I can imagine.  No, I will not need to worry about it.  Constant prayer and devouring the Word will keep me operating in the spirit, and keep my perspective on my spiritual needs and less on my physical needs.  No, I will never be alone.  No matter how lonely I get, I have the perfect Prince of Peace with me, fighting for me, listening to me, interceding for me, and loving me more than I can even imagine.
Recently Tink asked me if I would be happy with my life if I had done nothing with it but loved other people.  Yes, I would.  She also was giving me some much-needed encouragement, reminding me of ways God has been using me and I realized that I would hate for anyone to see that as something I did.  I only want people to recognize what I have done for God in a way that makes Him seem all the more wonderful.  I don’t care if people see me as a lost cause or a saint, I just want them to see me as a vessel that God knows how to use perfectly even when we can’t imagine how it would work that way.

“For if you keep silent at this time, relief and deliverance will rise for the Jews from another place, but you and your father’s house will perish. And who knows whether you have not come to the kingdom for such a time as this?” – Esther 4:14

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Who, me?


I consider myself an eccentric who looks good in jeans, or an amateur at adulthood. I live in Maine, enjoy writing and photography as creative outlets, and listen to some of the worst music you've ever heard. I’m good at sin and bad at following Christ, but I’m still letting Him take the lead. Dirty is my middle name. So is Sean.
The purpose of this blog is to keep a record while I'm unearthing treasures, mapping truths, and navigating life.

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